At least I meet somebody's requirements...

I'm on a job application kick like you wouldn't believe, and as I have had, on average, one interview per 50 jobs I've applied for (really!), I'm just going to keep applying willy-nilly until somebody offers me a job.

That said, I made the first step in applying for a flight attendant position with Delta. My favorite question was:

Are you willing to serve peanuts?

Really.

Me che naav Jess!

Yesterday I started my TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) certification course. I can speak a bit of a few languages, but not enough to teach English in a language that isn't English, so the idea behind this style of language instruction is to use the communicative method, speaking nothing but the language being taught.

The day started with a lesson taught in Kashmiri. Just to show what it's like to be on the other side of the classroom. I knew it was going to be difficult, but WOW. On the other hand, the style has got to be very effective, because in 35 minutes I learned a lot!

My name is Jess. Me che naav Jess.
What is your name? Tze kati che naav?

Also the numbers 1-16 (there were 16 of us in the class - my favorite number was 8, pronounced ü-uht), talking about where we live, what we do, etc.

So cool! But it confirms my suspicion that I am mostly incapable of learning a language in a totally different alphabet.

Shabaash. (Good.)
Shukriya. (Thank you.)

Deliverance

I'm calling in an order to a publishing company in Virginia, and the hold music is "Dueling Banjos".

I'm worried that this might set the tone of the day.

I'm also worried that they don't realize how funny that is.

Lovely day for a scooter!

Sure wish I had one.

I've had about a gallon of coffee today.

That's disgusting. And true.

In light of Iowa.

I don't know who I intend to vote for. I loathe Mitt Romney to such an extent that on my birthday last year, my dad blacked out his name in the newspaper so that I wouldn't see it first thing and be pissed off all day.

Those who are also undecided should check this out. While I'm pretty sure you can't take it as gospel, and of course there are plenty of candidates who have dropped out since the quiz was made, it's at least a starting point. All the ad campaigns and caucuses can be pretty overwhelming.

Here are my results:
Score Candidate
Disagreements
Unknowns, Other
67 Kucinich
Disagreements: (0)
Unknowns/Other: (0)
55 Gravel
Disagreements: (0)
Unknowns/Other: (5) ANWR Drilling, Assault Weapons Ban, Guns - Background Checks, Wiretapping, Minimum Wage Increase
45 Obama
Disagreements: (3) Patriot Act, Border Fence, Same-Sex Marriage
Unknowns/Other: (2) Torture, Iran - Military Action
32 Edwards
Disagreements: (4) Death Penalty, Patriot Act, Iran - Military Action, Same-Sex Marriage
Unknowns/Other: (1) Border Fence
31 Clinton
Disagreements: (5) Death Penalty, Patriot Act, Border Fence, Iran - Military Action, Same-Sex Marriage
Unknowns/Other: (0)
26 Biden
Disagreements: (4) Death Penalty, Patriot Act, Border Fence, Same-Sex Marriage
Unknowns/Other: (3) Iran - Military Action, Same-Sex Civil Union, Universal Healthcare
26 Dodd
Disagreements: (4) Death Penalty, Patriot Act, Border Fence, Iran - Military Action
Unknowns/Other: (3) Same-Sex Marriage, Same-Sex Civil Union, Universal Healthcare
24 Richardson
Disagreements: (5) Death Penalty, Assault Weapons Ban, Patriot Act, Iran - Military Action, Same-Sex Marriage
Unknowns/Other: (2) ANWR Drilling, Iraq War
8 Paul
Disagreements: (10) Abortion Rights, Embryonic Stem Cells, ANWR Drilling, Assault Weapons Ban, Guns - Background Checks, Citizenship Path for Illegals, Border Fence, Minimum Wage Increase, Same-Sex Marriage, Universal Healthcare
Unknowns/Other: (1) Same-Sex Civil Union
-20 T. Thompson 7/12
-21 Giuliani 12/1
-23 Brownback 13/2
-24 McCain 12/1
-35 Cox 11/6
-48 Huckabee 15/3
-58 Tancredo 18/1
-60 Hunter 18/2
-61 Romney 17/2

So thanks, Matt Waterman, for giving me a starting point. Now I don't need to read every candidate's well-timed autobiography before November.

Accomplishments of the year to date.

1. Almost spelled accomplishments "accomplischments". Still not sure why.
2. Won terrific Dexter boots on eBay.
3. Got ready to go out in less than 20 minutes.
4. Went to a show with no guarantee that I would know anybody there.
5. Finished "The Amber Spyglass", and therefore the "His Dark Materials" trilogy - for the first time!

I know there are other things that are personally list-worthy. Not that any blogrollers might be into.

Stuck in my head for a week: "Little Dawn" by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. Not complaining.

Back from Illadelph.

Dear Jess,

Welcome back to Boston. We, the powers that be, would like to show our gladness for your return by granting you a miserable, cold, Londonesque day of rain and wind. We heard you liked that sort of thing.

Love,

New England Weather
If you don't like the weather in New England, wait a minute!

Damn it feels good to be a hipsta.

I'm not a hipster, actually. I have plenty of hipsterish friends, enough hipstery leanings in fashion and music, but a hipster I am not.

For instance, this is one of the funny-because-it's-truest things I've seen in a while (especially because it is modeled after Monty Python's Upperclass Twit of the Year):



I don't even like going to shows anymore because I've been having a growing distaste for all the people dancing on me, the ones that elbow me in the face and get mad at me when I push back, the tall ones that don't let four inches get between my face and their backs, the ones who sing so loudly that I can't hear anymore, the ones who go to shows to catch up with old friends, etc.

That being said, I really do like going to the Middle East. I like going for dinner Upstairs or at ZuZu. I like ZuZu's Roots and Razors night every other Wednesday, I like the belly dancing on the Corner, I like that the crowd space Downstairs is raked so you can see better from the back. I like the bartender who used to play bass for the Charms. I like that somehow, everything is connected, and that nobody really yelled at me for sneaking through the kitchen from the Corner to the Upstairs, but rather I was told that I couldn't leave. I like the local art, the bright colors on the walls, the people-watching opportunities, the staff that's been there forever, and I like the food, the wine and the beer.

I spent most of my weekend on the corner of Mass Ave and Douglass, and had I not had the Plague, it would have been a near-perfect couple days. Granted, the Raging Teens X-Mas Party was at a freezing cold TT's, but it was the same crowd. One of the people I saw there was in the band I saw the next day. I like that about the Middle East, too. You always know somebody, if not by having ever spoken to them.

I'm glad, however, that I don't know the schmuck who wrote the one review of the Middle East on Menupages. This person, who might be the world's biggest tool, said:

This joint ain't bad. It has the funk I love. Great mix of customers of all stripes (and plaids). Pretty fair food. Unbelivelaby indifferent service. Music is the balls downstairs however. Eclectic (did I say eclectic? Oh my! If I use the word ambience tickle me till I'm pink). Where can you see Gogol Bordello, a band from the circus and a young student singer-songwriter under one roof? Service downstairs is worse than the upstairs. Haughty hotties give perfunctory service. Never the less downstairs is close, crowded, loud, hot and wicked fun.

I'm glad you like it, sir. But "haughty hotties" is neither clever nor respectful, you cannot spell, and self-conscious parenthetical musings have no place in restaurant reviews. And tell me you didn't call it a "joint".

Busting at the seams.

Don't you hate when someone tells you the most remarkable secret you've gotten your hands on in years and it's amazing and happy and you can't tell anyone?

When that happens, I mean, it sucks.

Or as a hypothetical...

Never mind, I wish I could publish this secret here. Now I have to wait a week. Picture a Brechtian silent scream. That's me right about now.

Christmas songs WROR can play all they want.

(In no particular order.)

Nat King Cole : The Christmas Song
U2 : Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Boston Pops : Sleigh Ride*
The Ronettes : Sleigh Ride*
Mariah Carey : All I Want for Christmas Is You
The Kinks : Father Christmas
Frank Sinatra : Jingle Bells
Stevie Wonder: Someday at Christmas
Elvis Presley: Let's face it - anything.
Bing Crosby and David Bowie : Little Drummer Boy
Rosemary Clooney : Sisters**
Rosemary Clooney and Bing Crosby : Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep**

* Note the absence of the Johnny Mathis version.
** I know they won’t.

A note I made at work some time ago.

My coworker just reminded me of a post-it I left for her after spending a day placing publisher orders. On this particular occasion I had been placing an order with Perseus Distrubution for a book on prejudice.

My note read like this :

The word was prejudice.
She pronounced it « Pray Judas »
Then she corrected herself,
Pre-Justice.

How much of this response is canned, I wonder?

Hi Jessica ,

Thanks for listening to 105.7 WROR and thanks for your comments about our programming.

Here at WROR, we find Christmas fun and worthy of celebrating. With Thanksgiving next week, we thought it we’d get into the spirit now. Led by Loren and Wally, we are all excited to celebrate the season by having some fun and playing Boston’s Favorite Christmas Songs. I’m sorry you don’t agree.

We will try to vary up the list, although there are only so many Christmas songs that are good and that people like.

Hopefully, when the spirit of fun touches you, you might join us. Santa will be available to talk to kids of all ages weeknights from 6 to 8.

I appreciate you taking the time to write and appreciate your loyal listening over the years.

We will return to playing Boston’s Greatest Hits on December 26.

A letter to the Program Director of 105.7, WROR

Mr. West,

Let me first say that I listen to WROR at home because I like some of the music that is played - in particular the Beatles at 9 and 12.

As yours is the only station apart from FM Talk that my place of employment gets any reception for in the basement, we play WROR all day long on our store's loudspeakers. I know that somebody far higher up the Greater Media ladder, likely someone who doesn't even live in the city of Boston, made some decision back in June that WROR would play Christmas music before it is socially acceptable - that is to say before Thanksgiving, even. So I'm not even going to touch that one.

My complaint is this: of all the Christmas songs out there, is it really necessary to repeat so many throughout the day? I'd heard three renditions of "Frosty the Snowman" by 2pm today. In the space of 10 minutes, WROR played the same song twice ("I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - by the Ronettes at 4:17 and by John Mellencamp at 4:25)! I heard that ridiculously high-pitched song from "Mame" - "We Need a Little Christmas" - twice today as well. I'm pretty sure that wasn't even a different artist.

This is driving me crazy. I'd turn the radio off, or change the station, but as I said, WROR is all we've got. And if you want your target demographic to be listening more, you should give them more [variety] to listen to.

Sincerely

Jessica Mullen
Boston, MA

A good idear.

So I may be late on this, but I was just turned on to what may be the most constructive site ever, freerice.com.

I’m a big fan of the Hunger Site, and its brethren, the Breast Cancer Site, the Child Health Site, the Literacy Site, the Rainforest Site, and the Animal Rescue Site. You know, you go to the site, which is covered in ads to support it, and you click on a big button that donates 1.1 cups of staple food to the hungry (or a mammogram, healthcare for children, some educational funding, protection for 11.4 square feet of rainforest, or .6 bowls of food to rescued animals). These sites are a great idea ! Freerice.com takes it to another level.

Freerice.com makes a game out of it. Human beings are naturally competitive, constantly trying to prove their skills, and freerice.com banks on that. Go to the site, and you’ll see a multiple choice vocabulary question (some of these words, for all three years I took Latin, are really quite hard !) – if you get it right, you donate 10 grains of rice to the hungry.

I know : 10 grains of rice really isn’t that much. But think of it as 10 points, and look at the bottom of the screen, and it keeps tabs on your vocabulary level. In the space of 5-10 minutes yesterday, I had donated 600 grains of rice. That, dear reader, is a lot. For those of us with boring desk jobs that have us on hold on the phone all day, we can do a lot of good.

Better still, if you get it wrong, they give you the correct answer, so you, the benefactor, can build your vocabulary and do even better the next time you engage in competitive philanthropy.

Wh-why, exactly?

Yeah I know: I suck.

Why does the start of NaBloPoMo have to coincide with my attention span in French class slipping to the point at which I need to spend most of my free time studying?

And also: why did my computer have to break down before the start of this semester so that I would have to use my dad's computer while he was in the next room talking to the woman he's cheating on his girlfriend with on the phone? What does that say for what stock I put in men when my own father cheats on his girlfriend?

My concentration is nil.

This sucks. I know it's not just me.

I already talked to him about cheating. I hate this! This is probably the number one reason I need to move out.

I'm not built for this. My heart hurts.

Eyebrow waxing: the cure for the common cold?

A couple weeks ago, my kickball division had a party. In the weeks leading up to it, the mid-season party was pretty much all I could talk about. My friend Rachel and I spent a good five hours in the Copley area looking for the perfect shirts to wear. I slept regular hours and tried to drink less - all so I could be in tip-top shape for the party.

And then I got sick.

I suppose it wasn't that bad a sickness. Just a niggling cough and stuffy nose and headache. But when I get sick, it will be just that - for a month! Miserable, horrible, kill-me-I've-forgotten-what-it's-like-to-breath-normally kind of sick. And so when this sick started four days before the party for which I'd been so well-prepared, I was pissed. I drank a gallon of water before I even left the house in the morning. Airborne tablets, horse-sized zinc pills, 10-hour nights of sleep. Two days of that and I still felt like trash.

"No," I said to myself, "I'm not going to get any better. That's the kind of pathetic and worthless sack of shit I am. I will go to the party with a tissue permanently attached to my red and chapped nose, nobody will want to talk to me, the Walking Plague."

But I was still going. I was helping to run it, and I was working the first door shift. I had to go. And my eyebrows were a mess.

I went across the street to the Northeastern local tanning salon, which had waxing services as well, and felt even more miserable and disgusting and ugly while surrounded by Northeastern barbie dolls who were waiting for their turn in the buzzing tanning beds. I was led into a back room (for the pasty ugly people, I'd figured), and had my eyebrows waxed. While the lady tweezed I had to sit upright and sneeze, like five times in a row. Afterward I was led out to the counter, where I paid. The girl asked me if I'd used their tanning beds before.

I had to laugh. "Do I look like I've ever seen a tanning bed before?"
"No," she admitted, "but we always have to ask."

Time out. I made a joke! And I laughed! This was not the same person who walked in. This was someone who was getting better!

I left the tanning salon with such a spring in my step it was like I was walking on a stairway of air. I could beat this nonsense cold. It had only just started, and I was already kicking its ass, I could tell.

And anyway, I was a human being, not some odious and snivelling splat of pond scum, worth bringing back to health.

Cold was gone by Friday morning, and better still, it hasn't come back. Take that!

Because I'm too busy for NaNoWriMo this year...again.

NaBloPoMo is similar to NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), but for lazy people like me or for people who want to jump start their blogs, etc. You can learn more about National Blog Posting Month at nablopomo.com.

I wish they had a badge that didn't feature a cat. I hate cats.

Antennae don't work in the cellar.

Is there anything more soul-sucking than starting your week at work with only FM TALK to listen to? I'm all about NPR, BBC, whatever - anything but FM Talk.

I complain about our radio at work a lot. We don't get many stations, as we're in the basement. WBOS is okay most of the time because I like some of the music, and even the music I don't like is at least in the right mood for work. Then there's WROR, which I like, mostly because there's a Beatles break at 9 and noon. Oh, and Mambo Time (!) at 5:05. I put up with Toto and "Lady in Red" (hell, I might have even grown to like "Rosanna"). The problem with both those stations is that, with all the music they have in their studios to play around with, they follow a basic schedule throughout the day. So it's like Groundhog Day.*

Another problem we encounter with the few radio stations we get is that there are horrible morning shows, bad enough before you've had your tea, but worse still when replayed in the afternoon. You know, in case you missed it (ahem, WROR and WBCN). Usually my pick is WBCN because nobody ever complains about the music, but it is always changed when Opie and Anthony or whoever are on. Because you know what you don't want to hear when you're shopping for insignia apparel for your kid that you're finally shipping out of your house? Overgrown adolescents. Yelling.

So I'm not sure why we're listening to FM Talk, because it's basically a barrage of half-witted polemics with cutting Boston accents. As if re-entry after a long weekend weren't difficult enough, as if my brain weren't already applesauce, as if I wanted to be here in the first place...

You see where this is going. I'm not much better.


*I like to say a prayer and drink to world peace.